My Mom

Yesterday would have been my mom's 57th birthday. She passed away suddenly December of 2005, but it still feels like it was yesterday that she was here. Just now I can't call her to ask her about raising children, I can't take her out for a margarita (her fave), I will never have tortilla soup the way she made it, I will never see the huge smile she got when she saw her grand kids.

Yesterday I needed her more than ever. I wanted to ask her how to explain to my 3 year old why Nana can't come back. Yesterday would have been one of those days she would be THE person I would call to get advice about explaining death.

You see, Andrew knows. He understands. He cries when he misses her and will sit and look at pictures of her and talk about her. Sometimes he forgets what her face looks like and the pictures trigger his memory. He has been asking to visit mom at the cemetery, so yesterday I took him out of school early. His teacher sent along 3 ladybug books because my mom loved ladybugs.

The three of us picked out flowers to take to Mom. Once there Jordan wanted to sing Happy Birthday, so we did...that little girl sang at the top of her lungs. Then Andrew asked to talk to Nana.....and he did. He told her he missed her and he thanked her for being my mom. I did all I could not to cry because he is such a sensitive soul, and he would loose it if he saw me cry. Jordan then talked to her...she said she wishes Nana would come back to life and she loves her and misses her.

After reading some books and remembering Nana, it was time to leave. Andrew and I stood up to go and Jordan stood there puzzled. I told her it was time to go. Her little lips quivered and her eyes filled up with tears. Simply she said "I need to see Nana's face mommy". I told her we couldn't. Jordan shook her head and said "She is dead forever mommy? I will never hug her again, ever?". I told her that is true, though one day we will all see her in Heaven. Jordan sobbed, asking why she died forever....why God took her....will I die when I am a grandma and she won't have a mommy anymore....question after question. I was shaking trying to control my emotions so that I could try to heal her little heart. During this Andrew cried quietly and tried to console Jordan.

On the way home Jordan talked to Nana, even shared her drink with her. :) Chad's Grandpa who passed away after my mom also started "talking" to Jordan. So that was her way of dealing.

I miss my mom, and yet I know she is happier and healthier now. I know she is in such an awesome place, but I need her. I always have. As much as she would anger me at times she was there when I MOST needed her. She always supported me, she was always my cheering station, she was always proud. Always. To have someone love you like that is incredible. And though I know I am loved.....I miss HER love. I miss my mom. And so do my kids. So do so many people, and our lives will never be the same again.

I will keep her memory alive. I will cherish her advice that I was able to receive from her. I will try my hardest to remember what her hug felt like and her voice sounded like. Though her beautiful blue eyes are engraved in my memory. They were so beautiful.
I miss you Mom. And I love you. Remember when it was you and me against the world? :)

Happy Birthday Beautiful.