Monday, August 4, 2008


Today is a hard day. I had a bit of a rough night and still in it's shadow.

Today I have fought the shadow.
By making a happy brunch for myself (a cucumber sandwich on my food blog).
By editing a wedding and keeping in mind the couple's love for each other.
By making a grilled cheese sandwich for the kids and listened to them rave about it.
By swimming with the kids for almost 2 hours.
By making silly faces underwater and coming up just in time to have a full on belly laugh.

Today I am focusing on the happy.
I hear the kids laughing and eating fresh fruit.
I see them smashing the fruit juices into their lemonade to create new flavors.
I am reading a book that made me happy last summer
I see the little freckles on the kids' noses and it makes me want to kiss all over them
I dream about an easier tomorrow.

Today I carry on with life.
Small daily lessons for the kids
Planning dinner for tonight
Plucking my eyebrows
Saying a prayer during my 2 minutes of alone time
Counting the hours until I can have a glass of wine

Today I will admit my frustrations.
I can't finish a sentence of my book without hearing "mom"
I have answered to "mom" a million times this past week
I looked in the mirror to see that I haven't plucked in weeks. Yikes.
I miss my husband when he is traveling but it is a hard adjustment when he returns
I try not be jealous when he is traveling to Seattle where we fell in love, and next to San Fransisco where I always dreamed of going though I lived in California for 10 years..but I get that way while I am stuck here
I know I am human, and my feelings are legit. And he works hard for this family.
I also work hard for this family and I have to realize that my perks are the ones fighting to my left.
I got my feelings hurt today when my son told me as we were swimming that I never play with them or do anything fun.

What I do for them...
Plan fun outings
Play with them daily
Find fun events to do with them weekly
Hug, kiss and pray with them daily
I give them tools to use their imagination and mind daily
Surprise them with trips, events, experiences, movies, and special time together
I taught them the beauty of finding shapes in clouds and shooting stars
Read to them daily
I am trying to give them the best foundation so that they can grow to be the best them.

I know one day they will know. I know one day they will thank me.
I know I am lucky to have everything I have, but some days life is hard. And right now my heart hurts and I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.

Tomorrow is a new day.


Krysta said...

You are only human.
A beautiful, wonderful, inspiring human- but just a human.
Those kiddos are SO VERY lucky to have you for their mama, and they will definitely know it one day.

Love you honey.

Oh, and I bet I heard "Momma" more times than you heard "Mom" today. Lol! We should run a contest and keep count. :-P

Anonymous said...

Hi Dear Kandi! I'm so sorry you are hurting these days, I agree with Krysta, with everything she said! You are a really amazing person and momma and yep, they sure will know that someday. I truly did not appreciate my own mother until I had kids of my own.

I'm just down the road kinda if you ever want to hang out or just want to read books to chubby toddlers! LOL
Love you tons!

Holly said...

HUGS! Just wanted you to know that I am familiar with that place. You are an awesome mom, and an awesome friend.

Rebecca said...

Hugs to you.

You are a FANTASTIC mama and wife and friend and photographer and chef.... I could go on and on and on. Oh, and your're ridiculously beautiful, too! :D

Christen said...

Hey cuz!! My dad told me you were a great mom, and after reading this I agree 100%. You are doing everything right. When they are older they will look back and cherish those little things you did for them. Life is precious and every moment matters. Even though I'm not a mom yet, I hope that I am able to be the mom you are to Andrew and Jordan!! Love ya!!

PhDgirl2b said...

I'm just browsing blogs and yours struck a chord. I appreciate your being so candid. I'm new to blogging and only post for a few of my crazy girlfriends and usually only post silly stuff about our "girls' night outs." I have been hesitant to post pics of my children or to really put myself out there.
At any rate, your blog is warm and I am certain you're a great mom. I struggle with many of the same feelings too...keep your chin up!